What began as a paean to St. Valentine, a clergyman who served and protected persecuted Christians during the Roman Empire, has transmuted into the Valentine’s Day Hallmark holiday for often gratuitous expressions of romantic affection that the National Retail Federation reports create $25.8 billion in economic impact which includes $4 billion in chocolate and confections sales, per the Chamber of Commerce.
It's safe to say the substance of relationship far exceeds this time of year’s grand romantic gestures such as binging romcoms or presenting flowers or jewelry. From February 15 onward, how couples communicate says far more about the health of their relationships than the ways popular culture steers us to demonstrate. Two area therapists specializing in couples counseling provide insights gleaned from years of experience working through familiar challenges their patients face and offer suggestions for improving communication and connection.
Erin Thomas, a therapist at
Common Thread Counseling in Sharonville who has been in private practice as a therapist since 2017, pursued this avenue of counseling motivated by personal life experience.
“My extended family had a divorce rate of close to 100%, so it became a priority for me to study how couples’ relationships work and how I could help repair them,” she said.
Thomas pointed to “communication” being the catch-all pitfall creating relationship dysfunction, though a lack of healthy interaction can range from awkward silence – “roommates” who pay scant attention to one another – to full-blown, agitated conflict. Thomas noted that much of the discontent stems from disillusionment and unrealistic expectations. She noted immersion within social media has complicated relationship building.
“Falling into a rut and overconsuming social media is both a symptom and a problem in relationships,” she said. “It’s too easy to find yourself comparing where you are to others and feeling inadequate.”
Thomas also noted that hyperstimulation of contemporary day-to-day life makes it more challenging for couples to direct energy to working on relationship along with a side helping of Midwestern stoicism that contributes to a stiff upper lip and avoidance of heart-to-heart conversations.
She noted that couples therapy modalities evolve. In the ‘70s and ‘80s, one treatment modality was giving each person in the couple Styrofoam® bats and instructing each to hit the other when they said something objectionable. In the ‘90s, emotionally focused therapy (EFT), posited by prominent therapists such as Sue Johnson and John Gottman, focused on delving into root emotions that create relationship discord.
Instead of embarking upon lengthy, potentially fraught conversations, Thomas suggests having briefer daily or weekly check-ins.
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Erin Thomas, a therapist since 2017, was motivated to pursue couples counseling after experiencing widespread divorce in her family during childhood.She noted that one couple she treats recently introduced her to the FANOS approach as a good way to structure a catch-up conversation:
- (Show) Feelings
- (Express) Appreciation
- (Articulate) Needs
- (Take) Ownership
- (Share and Celebrate) Success
She also espouses Gottman’s recommendation of a weekly “state of the union” couples connection. “The conversation doesn’t have to always be in depth or follow a script,” Thomas said. “Whenever you can snag 10 minutes to connect with your partner comfortably and find simple ways to talk frequently instead of letting problems fester.”
She noted the affirmation of warm nonverbal communication, such as holding hands, back rubbing, or listening attentively. And, given the landmines of potential conflict – kids, family, increasingly polarized politics – it’s important to frequently lean into areas of common ground.
Thomas noted that one unintended consequence of shifting gender roles is that it has created an expectation that spouses have all needs met by their spouse, with men being especially prone from being cut off from friendships and other complementary relationships (This
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Thomas Barron, Ph.D., works with approximately three dozen couples in his practice,
Clear Path Couples Counseling, located at his Red Bank Road office. He began his career in ministry after earning a theology degree, and migrated into alcohol and drug addiction mental counseling, working with prison and collegiate populations, but gradually evolved his work into relationships, emphasizing couples counseling for the past 12 years.
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Timothy Barron has focused on couples counseling for more than a decade, and said that Valentine’s Day provides a solid opportunity to evaluate a relationship’s strengths and challenges.“My experience as a counselor demonstrated that so many of people’s life challenges stemmed from many levels of relationship dysfunction,” Barron said. “I chose to pursue this niche with my practice to help patients navigate the complications of connection.”
Barron noted that it’s common for patients to come into therapy with “rational solutions to emotional problems” reciting facts about how their significant other is failing them as proof positive that their position is justified. Understandably, this isn’t conducive to fruitful communication.
“I would say 98% of couples who come to me say that improving communication is their top goal,” he said. “The demands of job and family and other contending attachments and responsibilities make connecting as a couple more challenging.”
Barron noted that the increased modern emphasis on parenting and being involved in children’s lives has come at the expense of romantic relationships. He typically assigns one hour of “homework” per week to his patients, which involves what Gottman refers to as ritual connection, regular times to discuss, interpret, and develop solutions for their challenges – with a companion workbook to document progress and challenges. Barron asks for a 90-day commitment for couples to delve into adopting new strategies and habits.
“You can teach couples how to communicate, but it won’t help unless they come to each other with a wise mind, able to self-regulate and understand and approach as loving, respecting equals. You can’t change your partner, you can only change yourself and your approach to your partner,” he said.
Barron noted that a key element to productive couples’ counseling is cognitive behavioral therapy, with an emphasis on rooting out cognitive distortions that lead patients to inaccurately perceiving interactions with others or reverting to repetitive, destructive patterns that can derail loving relationships.
Valentine’s Day can become a catalyst for reflecting on and working to improve relationships, but Barron noted that the day’s importance can be over- and underinflated.
“[Valentine’s Day] can be triggering,” he said. “Some lean into it, and some come to me and say, ‘We don’t do Valentine’s Day.’ I think it’s a fantastic opportunity to celebrate your relationship, but doing small things regularly for your partner is more important than the occasional grand gesture.”